Mijn vriend Kennedy Mobutu

Iedereen krijgt wel eens een mail in de inbox van één of andere afstam­meling of weduwe van één of andere afri­kaanse rijke stinkerd die dringend één of ander gie-gan-ties bedrag via een europese rekening wil doors­jassen om allerlei taksen of belas­tingen te ont­duiken. De brieven zijn altijd opge­steld alsof je door het lot werd uit­ver­koren deze hel­dendaad uit te voeren. Er wordt gevraagd of je het geld in ont­vangst wil nemen, en alle even­tuele intresten mag je – als dank – in eigen zak steken. Dit soort berichten zijn natuurlijk zo louche dat zelfs een coma­teuze strep­tokok al van ver ruikt dat er een patoot van een adder onder het gras zit, en ze belanden bij de meeste mensen dan ook onmid­dellijk in de junkmail-folder. Terecht.

In tegen­stelling tot mijn instincten deed ik op een goede dag echter het omge­keerde. Ik rea­geerde op één van deze louche emails. Ik kreeg een mail van een zekere Mrs. Sese-Seko, widow of the late pre­sident Mobutu Amme­hoela Jan­haring enzo­voort. De tekst was vol­ledig in bovenkast geschreven, en als ik ergens van moet kok­halzen, dan zijn het wel teksten die vol­ledig in bovenkast zijn geschreven. Asje­blief zeg. In een normaal gesprek gebruik je toch ook geen megafoon? Maar goed, voor één keer zette ik mijn typo­gra­fische walging opzij en besloot op de hulp­vraag te rea­geren. Tot mijn grote ver­bazing werd er quasi onmid­dellijk terug­ge­schreven om me te bedanken.

Wat volgt is een bij­zonder vreemde brief­wis­seling met – hoofd­za­kelijk – Kennedy Mobutu, zoon van. Met trots mag ik hem onder­tussen een echte pen­ne­vriend noemen. Of hij even gelukkig is met het feit dat ik hem al die tijd in het afri­kaanse ootje nam, valt te betwij­felen. Het levert in elk geval een hila­risch stukje lite­ratuur op.

Geniet u even mee.

Noot 1: Gelieve me bij voorbaat mijn scha­bou­welijk engels te ver­geven. Dat kadert uiteraard allemaal in mijn undercover-strategie, waarbij ik ten allen prijze wilde ver­mijden als een intel­ligent mens over te komen.

Noot 2: Na wat opzoe­kingswerk ont­dekte ik dat dit soort cri­minele acti­vi­teiten niet zo onschuldig zijn als ze op het eerste gezicht wel lijken. De truuk wordt door hen die het kunnen weten Nigerian Scam genoemd, naar het land waar oor­spron­kelijk de meeste van dit soort brieven vandaan kwamen. De techniek gaat al terug van voor de intrede van het internet, en blijkbaar zijn er gevallen bekend van onschuldige burgers die via de post op de hoogte werden gebracht van de grote som geld die het lot hen zogezegd toe­be­deelde. In enkele gevallen werden er naïe­ve­lingen naar Afrika – daar komen de meeste Nigerian Scams vandaan – gelokt, waar op uiterst brutale wijze en onder bedreiging hun zakken tot op de laatste cent werden leeg­ge­roofd. Voor meer infor­matie, en – wat bij­zonder leuk om lezen is – zoge­naamde Scam Baits (inter­netters die met zeer uit­ge­breide mid­delen scammers voor de gek houden), kan u onder andere terecht op deze adressen.

Noot 3: Op 4 december 2007 besteedden Radio 1‑presentatoren Peeters en Pichal een deel van hun zendtijd aan Nige­ri­aanse oplichters. Ook Kennedy Mobutu schonken ze op gulle wijze 15 minutes of fame:

[audio:Kennedy Mobutu op de radio!.mp3|titles=Kennedy Mobutu op de radio!|artists=Peeters en Pichal]

Nigerian 4–1‑9 Scam
Nigerian Scam Baiting (The new Internet Bloodsport)
Scambusters.org
Scambuster419.co.uk
Nigerian Fraud Email Gallery

En dan nu, without further ado, de won­der­lijke brief­wis­seling tussen Kennedy Mobutu en uw dienaar, Yuri Maanzand:

 

DEAR FRIEND,

I AM MRS. SESE-SEKO WIDOW OF LATE PRESIDENT MOBUTU SESE-SEKO OF ZAIRE? NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC). I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER, THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION. I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AND TWO OF OUR SONS KENNEDY AND BASHER OUT OF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC) TO ABIDJAN, COTE D’IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY AND I SETTLED, WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY HUSBAND LATER DIED OF CANCER DISEASE. HOWEVER DUE TO THIS SITUATION WE DECIDED TO CHANGED MOST OF MY HUSBAND’S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN SWISS BANK AND OTHER COUNTRIES INTO OTHER FORMS OF MONEY CODED FOR SAFE PURPOSE BECAUSE THE NEW HEAD OF STATE OF (DR) MR LAURENT KABILA HAS MADE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE SWISS GOVERNMENT AND OTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO FREEZE ALL MY LATE HUSBAND’S TREASURES DEPOSITED IN SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRIES. HENCE MY CHILDREN AND I DECIDED LAYING LOW IN AFRICA TO STUDY THE SITUATION TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER, LIKE NOW THAT PRESIDENT KABILA IS DEAD AND THE SON TAKING OVER (JOSEPH KABILA). ONE OF MY LATE HUSBAND’S CHATEAUX IN SOUTHERN FRANCE WAS CONFISCATED BY THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT, AND AS SUCH I HAD TO CHANGE MY IDENTITY SO THAT MY INVESTMENT WILL NOT BE TRACED AND CONFISCATED. I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF EIHGTEEN MLLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS(US$18,000,000,00.) WITH A SECURITY COMPANY , FOR SAFEKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY CODED TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF.ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MESSAGE, SO THAT I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON (KENNEDY) WHO HAS THE OUT MODALITIES FOR THE CLAIM OF THE SAID FUNDS. I WANT YOU TO ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT WANT MY IDENTITY REVEALED. I WILL ALSO WANT TO BUY PROPERTIES AND STOCK IN MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES AND TO ENGAGE IN OTHER SAFE AND NON-SPECULATIVEINVESTMENTS. MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASISE THE HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY,WHICH THIS BUSINESS DEMANDS, AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE, WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU.

IN CONCLUSION, IF YOU WANT TO ASSIST US , MY SON SHALL PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE OF THE BUSINESS, TELL YOU WHERE THE FUNDS ARE CURRENTLY BEING MAINTAINED AND ALSO DISCUSS OTHER MODALITIES INCLUDING REMUNERATION FOR YOUR SERVICES. FOR THIS REASON KINDLY FURNISH US YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION, THAT IS YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR CONFIDENTIAL PURPOSE AND ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL.

BEST REGARDS,
MRS M. SESE SEKO
REPLY ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS FOR SECURITY
REASONS(mrssseko@she.com)

Bla­blabla. Tons of bunches of shit­loads of bol­locks uiteraard. Fas­ci­nerend ook hoe zo’n afri­kaanse first lady er in slaagt nog slechter engels te fabri­ceren dan ikzelve. Bovendien heeft ze een email-adres bij een azi­a­tische pro­vider (zie hier), wat erg logisch is voor een african refugee.
Maar goed – daar gaan we:

i would like to assist you
please tell me what to do

yuri -

Kort maar bondig. Meer moet dat niet zijn. Et voilà:

My Dear,
Thanks for your reply,
I want to tell you that the lord God will bless you and your generations.
My dear you have to note that this trans­action has to be private b/c i do not want any more pro­blems in my family .i will advice you to call my first son kennedy who is right now in a refugee camp in Badagry his email address(k_kennn@yahoo.co.uk) reach him so that he will tell you what to do.He also has the docu­ments with him so that he can fax them to you and make you the bene­ficary of the con­singment were the funds is put in the security vault. I have to tell you this, seens you are part of the family now i will be going in for a heart ope­ration on any time from now and i hope the lord God will see me out(Amen).
Sir,pls try and reach my son so that things can get stated.my son will be coming over to your country when the funds most have gotten into your hands.
Pls i will advice you to think of a good inverstment that you and my sons can be patners.I will also want you to keep this per­sonal. May the lord God bless you and your family (Amen).
Yours,
Mrs sseko.
REACH MY SON.

Waw. Ik heb amper twee zinnen geschreven en I am part of the family now. Yuri Sese-Seko.

hello -

i got this message from your mother
she told me you are in a refugee camp
(i’m so glad they have email in refugee camps these days)

i would like to help
please tell me what to do

gree­tings
yuri -

En hop, ziehier het eerste literair hoog­staande ant­woord van meneer Mobutu:

Dear Friend Yuri,
Thanks for your letter, my mum explained to me your intention to assist us to act as the bene­fi­ciary of the funds in con­sign­ments which we sent through a security company through diplo­matic means. please I would want you to be sincere and reliable in all. And believe me nothing fic­ti­tious about it, all my mum has told you is true.
My mum will be going for a heart ope­ration anytime from now, hence it will be of an advantage if we could put a finish touch to eve­ry­thing as soon as possible.
Note that I will be sending a message to the security company(Europe) making you the bene­fi­ciary of the con­signment. so I want you to send to me your contact address for me to be able to fully introduce you as our repre­sen­tative to receive the fund on our behalf to the company. I would want you to look at the pos­si­bility of tra­velling to Europe to claim the con­signment or being deli­vered to you through diplo­matic means by the security company depending on your decision? I want you to get me the feedback as soon as pos­sible, so that I can forward to you the con­tacts of the company.And once again let’s rely on our selves, I will plan to come over as soon as you have con­firmed the receipt of the fund.
Thank you very much, may God bless you. Please remember to always put it in prayer for my mum’s sur­viving the heart operation.
Best regards
Kennedy

Haha. The company. Dat klinkt wel erg offi­cieel en ver­trou­welijk, zeg. Deli­vered to you through diplo­matic means. Geen idee wat daarmee bedoeld wordt, maar het klinkt inge­wikkeld genoeg om serieus te nemen.
Maar goed. Geen haar op mijn hoofd dat er aan denkt mijn adres door te spelen aan een bende slecht spel­lende kop­pen­snellers, dus ik hou me even van de domme:

dear kennedy -

i’m very glad that i can help you and that i can be your beneficiary

i wish all the best to your mother con­cerning her heart operation

i myself am a heart patient and i underwent several ope­ra­tions in the past so i know how you must feel

my contact address is yuri@maanzand.be

best regards and all the luck to your family

yuri -

Kennedy gaat over tot actie:

Dear Yuri,
Thanks so much for your res­ponse and the concern to really help us out of this whole problem. I pro­mised you will be com­pen­sated in million folds.
What I needed to be included in the letter of intro­duction to the company is your full name and your contact address, not email address. and it will be better if I can have your phone number to call you.
Thanks so much, I hope to hear from you in no longer time to have eve­ry­thing done without delay.
God bless you.
Kennedy

Shit. De man dringt aan. En hij wil mijn telefoonnummer.

kennedy -

here is my address
yuri maanzand
gewel­da­dig­heids­straat 62
3000 leuven

i know about company-business because i ran a company myself for many years

unfor­ta­netely i lost eve­ry­thing and my company went bankrupt because one of my employees was sellin things for his own benefits things that had fallen of the truck if you know what i mean

unfor­tu­nately somebody stole my phone last week and i couldn’t get a new one yet
but if you really want to, you can try and call the thief
the number from my stolen phone is 0487 […] 

i hope eve­ry­thing will work out fine for you and your family and i am looking forward to the million folds compensation

most sin­cerely
yuri -

Het adres dat ik opgaf, klopte gedeel­telijk. Ik had het enigszins ver­vormd, en vermits ik kort daarna ver­huisde, was de kans klein dat ik een knok­ploeg aan mijn deur zou krijgen. Het tele­foon­nummer is uit de duim gezogen. Warempel won­derlijk stelt die beste Kennedy zich geen vragen bij mijn verzinsels:

Thank you for your detals sent to me, I have sent a letter to the company today to introduce you as our family repre­sen­tative to receive the fund, pending on their res­ponse I shall get back to you.
Thank you very much
Kennedy

En even later:

Dear Yuri,
As I have ealier pro­mised to get back to you pending on having a feedback from the company, I have just received an approval letter as attached in this mail and the one I sent to them which I obtained from a legal advicer here. please go through their letter and contact them with the address in the letter.
But remember that the con­tents of the con­signment is only known to you and my family, but known to the company offi­cials as valu­ables. so this should not be dis­closed for safe delivery if they have to deliver to you.
But contact them as soon as pos­sible to make final arran­gement to have the con­signment released to you on our behalf. once again the total amount in the con­signment is $18million USD. and my mum has told me to sent aside 15% of the total fund for your compensation.
I hope to hear from you about the final arran­gement. The officer in charge is MR J. MORRIS.
Regards from my mum. God bless you.
Kennedy

De brieven waar Kunta Kinte hier van spreekt zijn twee bij­zonder betrouwbaar ogende word-documenten. Ener­zijds power of attorney.doc met de vol­gende wondere tekst:

Ander­zijds Pyramid Noti­fi­cation Letter.doc met het ant­woord van The Company:

Ik kan enkel lachen om zoveel onschuldige schoonheid. Pyramid Trust Ser­vices?? Waar blijven ze het halen…

Soit – ik snap het toch allemaal niet zo goed. Even uitleg vragen aan die beste Kennedy:

kennedy -

i’m sorry if i ask stupid ques­tions but what should i say in the letter to contact the company?
should i just quote what your mother said in the letter?
or do i add some­thing else?

by the way – how is your mother doing?
i hope she is allright

how is the weather in the refugee camp?
i hope they treat you well over there
here it is raining and foggy, very foggy

yours sin­cerely,
yuri -

Kennedy maant me aan tot snelheid:

Dear Yuri,
it’s been long hea­rinng from you. I was a bit relief to have your email today, you cou could contact the company and simply say you are the one our family has already intro­duced to them as the repre­sen­tative to claim the con­signment on our behalf. I have already written them as regards that and they have sent me an approval letter to that effect which I have already sent to you too.
pls do this quickly before they close for the year. and in your next email kindly send me your mobile phone number to always reach you.
Thank you God bless
Kennedy

De arme man wil me echt heel graag aan de telefoon krijgen. En hij wordt wer­kelijk ongeduldig:

Dear Yuri,
please I need to know the position of things right now, have you con­tacted the company to make the arran­gement to have the con­signment shipped to you. pls it is very important we have this finished on time so that my mum and I could come over to your country immediately.
Thank you
Waiting to hear from you
Kennedy

Eerlijk als ik ben, vertel ik mijn pen­ne­vriend waarom ik zolang niets van me liet horen:

ken -

i’m sorry it has been so long
i had a car-accident last week and i was in a coma for four days but now i am ok, except a few broken ribs

i have con­tacted the company
i wrote them that i am the repre­sen­tative to claim the con­signment on your behalf
i am waiting for their answer

i will keep you informed

best regards

yuri -

Er staan twee leugens in deze email. Ten eerste had ik the company nog niet gecon­tac­teerd, en ten tweede duurde mijn coma drie ipv vier dagen. Kennedy merkt gelukkig niks…

Dear Yuri,
I am very sorry for the accident, Thank God you are alive. I wish you quick recovery.
pls do call them if you have not heard from them to avoid delay. remember my mum is not feeling alright and she needs to be relo­cated to your country for better medical attention. our visa are almost out and we need to claim them as soon as you receive the fund to come over immediately.
Thank you, God bless
Kennedy

Bla­blabla. Ik laat de daar­op­vol­gende dagen even niks van mij horen, en Kenny wordt ongedurig:

Dear Yuri,
you told me some days back that you have con­tacted the company to finalise about our con­signment. and uptill now I have not heard from you, pls I would want to know if you are really serious over this issue because it will be very auwful if at last you are not telling me the truth, and remember the amount of fund we are entrusting into your hands. Because I know the company will never delay in res­ponding to you if you have written to them.
Thank you
Kennedy

(Plas­pauze)

kennedy -

i got a call today in english that i couldn’t quite understand
someone talked about money and refunding or some­thing like that but the line was so noisy and it got cut off

could that have been the company?
should i try and return the call?

gree­tings -

yuri -

ps i received an email this week from miss Amina Yacub. you pro­bably know her because she is the daughter of the chief com­mander of rebel forces in Congo. She also mailed me con­cerning a money-deposit in a bank in europe that she would like to have trans­fered. do you know this woman? should i also try and help her?

Die call in english zoog ik uit mijn duim, of course. Hahaha. Ik was blijkbaar te goed­ge­lovig geweest, aldus Kennedy:

Dear Yuri,
I got your email, pls I do not trust anybody because that is exactly some other people imper­so­nated us claiming they are mobutu’s family. pls do not take such risk. I am only sure of what I ask you to do for me and my mum of which it will be bene­ficial to you. so it might be the company that called you. so look at the approval letter I sent to you before to get their phone number and call them imme­di­ately to finalise everything .
Thank you
Kennedy

Enfin. Genoeg gek geschoren (gegek­scheerd? gek­ge­scheerd? wha­tever) Tijd om The companyte con­tac­teren:

Hello -

I received this letter of approval from Mobutu Kennedy. I am the one his family has intro­duced to you as the repre­sen­tative to claim the con­signment on their behalf

He asked me to contact you. Please tell me what to do and i will do so.

Sin­cerely -

Yuri Maanzand

Prompt krijg ik een bericht van een zekere Mrs. Alwina Van Dirk:

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
We have received an ack­now­led­gement letter from the Mobutu’s appointing you as there new bene­fi­ciary and this company have also sent an ack­now­led­gement letter accepting the family’s appointment.Kindly for our­pe­rusal forward the fol­lowing docu­ments to us,

1)Certificate of deposit of the consignment,

2)a power of attorney giving you the legal status to act on behalf of the
family and

3)the ack­now­led­gement letter which was endorsed and sent to the family you
are representing.

4)A valid form of your iden­ti­fi­cation bearing your full names like a
pho­tocopy of your inter­na­tional pas­sport or driver’s license.

Thank you for your anti­ci­pated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van-Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Hallo kroket. Waar moet ik een cer­ti­ficaat van die deposit vandaan halen? Is dat al gebeurd dan? Wat heb ik gemist? Soit
Een bewijs van iden­ti­fi­catie is ook niet evident, het spreekt vanzelf dat ik geen per­soon­lijke gegevens aan deze slecht engels spre­kende cri­mi­nelen ga bezorgen. Ik besluit Kennedy om raad te vragen:

Kennedy -

i’m sorry about the mix-up with the phone call
i will not answer it again
i will do eve­ry­thing i can to be as much of help pos­sible to you and your mother
it’s just that things are getting out of hand in my city
a few months ago i got robbed very bru­tally at my home, which is the reason i am moving to another house
the cri­mi­nality in my city is swinging out of the frying pan, you wouldn’t believe it
some­times i am very scared, because yes­terday two men in suit came to my house (my new address!!! i don’t know how they found it out) and they rang the doorbell but i was too scared to open
i hope this has nothing to do with the deal we are about to handle???

anyway, it’s time to get things done
i also received a letter from the company about me being the bene­fi­ciary of your family
they asked me for some nece­sarry docu­ments, so i think we can start handling the deal now
they asked me also for a cer­ti­ficate of deposit to the con­signment – is that some­thing you should give to me?

i hope eve­ry­thing is going well with you and your family
do you have any children of your own?
i have three daughters and four sons, they are my most precious
when do you plan to come over? maybe i can prepare for some place for you to sleep or stay?

i hope to hear from you soon

best regards,
yuri

Kennedy heeft dui­delijk geen inte­resse in chit chat en komt – in hoofd­letters god­gloeiende – straight to the point:

PLS HURRY UP TO FINALISE EVERYTHING WITH THE COMPANY. WE NEED TO RELOCATE TO YOUR COUNTRY BY NEXT WEEK AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF THE FUND.
HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS FROM MY MUM.
kENNEDY

Maar goed. Hoofd­letters, dat kan ik ook. En laat ik er meteen wat sociaal enga­gement bij­gooien. Dat ik me in verband met natuur­rampen van con­tinent vergis – enkele dagen geleden had een tsunami lelijk huis­ge­houden in Azië – doet geen bel­letje rin­kelen bij de geslepen dief:

YES YES I AM TRYING TO!!

but as i asked in my last mail:
the company asked me for a cer­ti­ficate of deposit to the consignment
but HOW CAN I GIVE IT TO THEM???????
which con­signment are they talking about???
do i have a cer­ti­ficate of some kind?????

i really want to help you as quick as possible
(i will be very alert this week as i always am)

i heard there was an earth­quake in africa this weekend
i hope you and your mum are allright!

at your service,
yuri

Onmid­dellijk daarna neem ik weer contact op met The Company. Ik voeg daarbij de twee docu­menten van Kennedy en een inge­scand rij­bewijs, dat ik enigszins aan­paste. [Brede grijns] 

Hello -

in reply to your email con­cerning the Mobutu case, i hereby attach the fol­lowing documents:

1 – power of attorney which gives me the legal status to act on behalf of the mobutus
2 – the ack­now­led­gement letter that they received
3 – a copy of my driver’s licence for identification

hoping that this will help
and that we can arrange things as soon as possible

thank you

Maanzand Yuri -

For the record: het rij­bewijs bevat geen enkel juist gegeven, zelfs de kleine cij­fertjes paste ik aan. Je weet nooit tot wat die ban­dieten in staat zijn. De foto is het hoofd van – laat het bul­der­lachen een aanvang nemen – Yuri Gagarin.

Leuk detail: in de metatag-info van mijn zgn. rij­bewijs ver­stopte ik vol­gende ver­hel­de­rende gegevens. De kans is klein dat Sese Seko Wibra Brico dit ooit te weten zal komen, maar het maakte de lol alleen maar groter.

Enfin. Blijkbaar slikken ze het daar in The Nether­lands als zoete koek:

Dear Mr.Yuri,
We shall respond back to you at the start of work tom­morrow so kindly send
us a fax where we can send you a detail letter.Thank you for opting for
our services.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Het fax­nummer dat ik hen daarop door­speel klopt van geen kanten:

Mrs Van Dirk -

thanks for your reply
i have sent you a fax, but have not heard any­thing in return
if you want to reach me, this is my fax number:

(+32) […]

sin­cerely,

Yuri Maanzand
RM for WI, Bxl

En dus sturen ze het document maar gewoon via mail door. Handig toch al die omwegen…

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
Kindly find the attachment for a letter of notification,thank you for
opting for our services.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Shit. My phy­sical pre­sence will be required. Dat zie ik natuurlijk niet zitten. Ik ben best een held achter het com­pu­ter­scherm, maar handjes gaan schudden met een bende cri­mi­nelen behoort niet tot de top 10 van mijn favo­riete reis­be­stem­mingen. Laat ik mijn goede vriend om raad vragen…

kennedy -

what the hell is this?
the company sent me a fax, telling me that i should go to the netherlands
which is very dif­ficult for me, since my left-leg was ampu­tated in hos­pital after the accident a few weeks ago
can’t they come over to me??

also, they asked me to bring admi­ni­strative charges of 12880 euros!!!!????
is that normal??

should i trust them to pay such a large amount of money?

yuri -

ps how is your mum? i hope she’s doing fine.
what is your favorite moviestar? i like sharon stone

Ik maak meteen ook mijn reserves bekend aan Alwina:

mrs -

it is of course too dif­ficult for me to come to the nether­lands on such short notice
maybe we can arrange some­thing in belgium?
(i will be in brussels & leuven all week for a con­gress on artistic freedom for delinquents)

also, i was not informed about any admi­ni­strative charges!
is there another way to settle this?

sin­cerely,

Yuri Maanzand
RM for WI, Bxl

Alles is blijkbaar mogelijk, maar het gaat me wel een flinke bom duiten kosten:

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
On our noti­fi­cation letter,we said con­si­de­ration is given to our client’s
ina­bility to come down to the Nether­lands and as such delivery could be
made but this attracts addi­tonal charges.The admi­ni­strative charges
com­prises both customs and storage charges and this has to be paid to the
accounting department and a receipt issued and it is the receipt that will
be taken to the vault for the release of the con­signment which will be
brought to our office for you to inspect and take away amd if there is
any­thing you would want us to do for you,we shall take it up from
there.This is our we operate and I advise that you contact Mr.Morris for a
better explai­nation as he is in charge or kindly provide us with a direct
telephone number to reach you.Thank you for opting for our services.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van-Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Kennedy spoort me nog­maals aan, ditmaal zwaar geïn­spi­reerd door the birth of our lord the creator. Is dat een Finse metal-band?

Dear Yuri,
I am very sorry for the delay in replying your email, actually being the season of the birth of our lord the creator, I have been on con­vention in request for prayers for my mum’s sur­viving her con­dition. I have received your message about what the company requires from you to have things finished. But I have to plead to you on this ground that you should try your best, advice the company to deliver the con­sign­ments to you because of your ina­bility to travel to make the claim, and wha­tever it might cause you to settle the fees, do not delay in doing it on our behalf, I promise it must be paid back to you in addition of the 15% of the 18million USD in the con­signment my mum has agreed to pay to you as com­pen­sation. please once again I strongly plead that you should try your best to have eve­ry­thing finished within this week so that my mum and I can set for the journey to meet you up by next week.
Thank you, God bless you. regards from my mumy.
I hope to hear from you soonest.
Kennedy

Geïn­spi­reerd door the farts of our lord the farth vader, toon ik even mijn goede wil aan The Company

Mrs -

as i said before, it is very dif­ficult for me to travel in the coming weeks
however i will try and do eve­ry­thing to make all this work smoothly

i will check how much money i can collect,
so i’ll be able to pay any addi­tional charges

now for this mr.morris
how and where can i contact him?

sin­cerely,

Yuri Maanzand
RM for WI, Bxl

En ik hou natuurlijk Ken The Man op de hoogte:

Kennedy -

i am glad to hear from you
i hope that you had a good time in seeking prayers for your mums con­dition in this wintery season of the arising of our lord the creator (are you a christian? i know i am!)

as i men­tioned before: i like sharon stone

i will try to collect as much money as i can to pay the admi­ni­strative charges asked
i promise you that i will do my very best to have things settled by the time you arrive next week
please give me details about where and when you will arrive in europe
maybe i can arrange someone to come and pick you up. i have an uncle who is a driver for Hugo Coveliers
do you know Hugo Cove­liers? he is a famous and intel­ligent poli­tician here in belgium
one of his most urgent agenda-points is a more easy integration-policy for foreign refugees

anyway, maybe i can ask my uncle to come and pick you up
will you arrive in the nether­lands or brussels?
how will he recognize you?

i got another message from the company,
advising me to seek contact with a mr morris

i hope this is a trust­worthy gentleman
and that i will be able to contact him very soon

also i have done some calculations
15% of 18million USD is more than 2.500.000 USD!!
are you sure that you can miss such a large amount of money?
i will be glad to take peace with 2.000.000 if that releaves you of any financial pressure

anyway
i’m gonna hit the sack now,
i have to put some ointment on my leg before i go to sleep

i promise you that your worries will soon be over!

“Een drol herkent men aan zijn streken”
(that is an old flemish proverb that elderly people use to call on good luck and prosperity,
which you could translate as “may nothing but hap­piness come through your door”)

most sin­cerely,
your little belgian helper,

Yuri -

Kennedy pent weder in mijn richting:

Dear Yuri,
Thank you very much for the promise to have things resolved without delay, I have equally told my mum about your message in the clinic right now and she prayed for you. now my intention is to have our tra­velling docu­ments rec­tified before next week which I have already sub­mitted through a lawyer here, but he request for a pro­fes­sional fees, I agreed with him that I shall pay him imme­di­ately before we move from here. so as soon as you have the con­sign­ments with you, you will send some money for me to be able to pay him, and to settle the air flight tickets with the BTA. the camp we are is in a border Town between three coun­tries, so the nearest inter­na­tional air is in COTE-DE VOIRE. so we are taking off from cote de voire to Brussels straight. so I will collect the key codes of the con­signment from my mum imme­di­ately you confirm that eve­ry­thing is settled with the company and a date of delivery fixed. which will enable you to open the con­sign­ments to have access to the fund.

The per­centage already pro­mised for you is certain, we will not regret in giving you the amount because your assis­tance to have us removed from this bondage here is much appre­ciated than the money. so I strongly plead that you be faithful to us without disappointment.
I hope to hear from you to know when things has been resolved with the company for me to be able to effect my planns immediately.
regards from my mum.
Kennedy

COTE-DE VOIRE? Is dat een merk van chocolade?
Onder­tussen krijg ik nog wat gegevens door­ge­speeld uit Nederland:

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
Mr.Morris is in charge of your con­signment and he can be reached on
telephone number +31–616 760 649 so kindly call him up for any
clarification.Thank you and happy new year in advance

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Ik heb geen zin om te tele­fo­neren, dus tracht ik op sub­tiele wijze andere media aan te spreken:

Mrs -

is there a fax number where i can reach this mr.morris?
because you see, i once had a brain­tumor removed
and i am very sen­sitive for radi­ation from electric devices such as micro­waves and telephones
i am sorry
but i am very dif­ficult to reach through the phone
besides i have mee­tings to attend all day long which leaves me little or no time for any­thing else

if mr. morris himself wishes to contact me,
this is my fax number:

(+32) […]

i will handle his requests and eve­ry­thing that needs to be settled with the utmost importancy

sin­cerely and a happy new year indeed,

Yuri Maanzand
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Merk op dat ik hier voor het eerst de naam van mijn zgn. firma min of meer voluit schrijf. Er kraait geen haan naar…

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
Our fax number is +31–847 308 274 and Mr.Morris email address is
jamorris@p‑tserve.com.Kindly let us know when you would want to visit our
ofice or when you would want us to deliver the con­signment to your desire
destination.Kindly expedite issues and thank you for opting for our
services.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Weer een email-adres! Weer een nieuwe pennevriend!
Beleefd richt ik mij tot meneer Jack Morris:

mr -

i received your email-address from mrs alwina van dirk
i am writing you con­cerning the mobutu-consignment-case

i already informed the company and mr mobutu
that it is very dif­ficult for me to travel abroad on such short notice

also i am having dif­fi­culties in col­lecting the admi­ni­strative charges

but maybe we can set up a meeting place so that we can get together to settle the deal?
i think brussels should be con­ve­nient, what do you think?

sin­cerely and a happy new year,

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Jack begrijpt de heisa niet en spoort me evenzeer aan om naar Nederland te komen:

Dear Mr.Yuri,
I got your email today as I have been on a delivery trip to Asia.What is
the dif­fi­culty with the admi­ni­strative charges?I cannot come to Brussels
for a meeting with you as this is not our policy.If you want to hold a
meeting with me,I will advise that you come over to the Nether­lands but if
you want us to deliver the con­signment to you in Brussels,we can give you
a con­cession to pay half of the charges and then pay the balance when we
deliver to you in Brussels.If this is suitable with you,kindly write me
back so that I can advise on a faster mode of payment and then we deliver
same day.Happy new year and I await your swift response.

Regards,

Jack

Kennedy’s hoofd­let­ter­toets krijgt onder­tussen weer kuren:

Dear Yuri,
WARMEST GREETINGS TO YOU AND FAMILY, MAY THE LORD GOD GRANT YOU MUCH BLESSINGS. PLS LET ME KNOW THE SITUATION OF THINGS IN RESOLVING THE ISSUE WITH THE COMPANY.
THANK YOU
KENNEDY

Tot hier toe heb ik me qua kwink­slagen en onzin redelijk op de vlakte gehouden. Ik besluit het resoluut over een andere boeg te gooien, en ik stuur een bericht naar The Company dat eigenlijk niet voor hen bedoeld is:

hey moeke

béar­naise saus, moet daar melk in?
en zo ja, hoeveel?

is miranda al terug van tora bora?

goed weekend he!

y -

Van een bedrijf in Nederland – hoe inter­na­ti­onaal ook – mag je toch op zijn minst ver­wachten dat er iemand enkele woorden neder­lands spreekt, dacht ik even. Maar van die illusie word ik ook algauw afgeholpen:

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
Kindly write to us in english as this is not a dutch company.We will
appre­ciate you expedite this trans­action as demurrage charges will start
accruing on your con­signment and it is 40 euros per day and this will take
effect from monday the 10th of January,2005.We thank you for your
anti­ci­pated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Nota bene: dit laatste bericht van Albino Van Dork werd vreemd genoeg vanop het email-adres van Mr. Morris ver­zonden. Als ik niet beter wist, zou ik warempel gaan denken dat het hier om één en dezelfde persoon ging. Ik stuur hen daarom beiden het vol­gende bericht:

Mr. Morris, Mrs. Van Dirk -

i acci­dentily sent you a wrong email
it was intended for my mother – she is also named morris
i apo­logize – you can ignore it of course

con­cerning the consignment:
since my medical con­dition does not allow me to travel far,
it is advi­sable that the con­signment is deli­vered to belgium

however i may try to make a special effort to travel,
because of the urgent nature of the case

kindly give me some more details on all possibilities

thank you & also a nappy hew year!

y -

ps – i noticed that you two both use the email-address of mr. morris
that is kind of con­fusing – who exactly is in charge of the consignment?

Ach ja, natuurlijk:

Dear Mr.Yuri Maanzand,
I am the secretary of Mr.Morris and he some­times instructs me to respond
to emails on his behalf.If you want the con­signment delie­vered to you,like
it was explained to you,you shall need to make an addi­tional payment of
7500 euros before the con­signment can be delievered.Meanwhile,you can
reach our accounting department for a break down of the charges.The email
address is acct@p‑tserve.com and we shall deliver within 24 hours after
payment confirmation.Thank you for your anti­ci­pated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:Jack Morris

Die For:Jack Morris doet het hem natuurlijk.
Maar goed, het moet hier vooruit gaan. Of wacht, mijn been speelt weer op:

Mrs Van Dirk -

i have checked with my accountant to see if i can free the addi­tional payments
it should be pos­sible by the end of this week

so the total cost from me to you is 7500 euros?

i will try and make some time free to travel to the netherlands
i think it will be dif­ficult since my ampu­tated leg is severely infected
but my heart goes out to your clients so i will make an effort

i am not familiar with amsterdam
tell me where we should meet, if i manage to get there

sin­cerely -

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Jack Morris ver­liest – wel­licht door mijn geäm­pu­teerde ledemaat – op fijne wijze zijn geduld:

I think you are making a fool of yourself.I will instruct the vault not to
release the con­signment to you because you are not worthy to have such
con­signment in your custody.I believe you are port­raying a childish
attitude which you are.Do not write me again

Jack

Ik laat me natuurlijk niet zomaar uit­schelden. Bovendien wil ik die arme Kennedy nog altijd graag helpen, en ik hou een klein pleidooi voor de vriend­schap met mijn afri­kaanse soulmate:

excuse me??

what are you talking about? what childish attitude am i portraying??

as far as i know, this is a very urgent and delicate matter,
so i don’t think it’s the right time to start insulting each other

through my emails in the last weeks, i have build a sincere and honest rela­ti­onship with mr mobutu
and i have no intention to have it ruined by this sort of unfounded bragging

please tell me what is causing your anger and i will do my best to set it straight

sin­cerely

yuri -

En hop, we’re back on track:

Dear Mr.Yuri,
Please stop using your phy­sical health to give excuses as this has nothing
to do with your trans­action with us.If you want to make claims of the
consignment,kindly come down to our office and make the claims and if you
want us to deliver to you,we can but the charges has to be met before we
can undertake any delivery.Thank you for your anti­ci­pated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Wel nog even mijn medische con­ditie verduidelijken:

Mrs -

with all respect, my medical con­dition has eve­ry­thing to do with it
i’ve explained eve­ry­thing to mr mobutu
i have to rely on others for trans­portation since my accident,
so it is very dif­ficult for me to come to your office

however, i will make an effort – as i said before

so please, simply tell me when and where and i will try to be there
i’m taking the day off on thursday and friday, so that would be suitable…

sin­cerely

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Het vol­gende bericht staat weer vol met won­der­lijke engelse uit­druk­kingen die ik nog niet eerder hoorde:

Dear Mr.Yuri,
We are sorry about this as we thought you were merely saying it.Kindly
give us your flight schedule so that our pro­tocol officer can pick you up
from the airport and bring you to the office for the release and
inspection of the consignment.You also have to come handy with the sum of
12,880 euros(twelve thousand eight hundred and eighty euros).Sorry once
more and we look forward to seeing you soon in our office.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

You also have to come handy? Is dat een oproep tot onanie?
Soit. Ik lieg wederom dat ik zwart zie. De vlieg­ge­gevens heb ik ergens van een site geplukt. Ze kloppen dus wel, zij het dat ik niet van plan ben ook maar één voet in een vliegtuig te zetten.

Mrs -

i managed to book a flight on thursday 6th of january
i will arrive on Amsterdam Schiphol at 15:20 PM, my flightnr is NW8230
i will bring all the necessary docu­ments with me
and i’ll do my best to collect the sum of 12,880 euros

sin­cerely

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Onder­tussen in Afrika:

Dear Yuri,
I have read your email and the company,s official too. please tell me what hap­pened, you suppose to know the impor­tance of handling this case ammi­cably which I have explained to you before. pls appo­logise to the company official to have things resolved soonsest as I do not have anybody else within the company to contact.
Thank you, hope to hear from you.
Kennedy

Ik stel Kennedy ‘Appo­logise’ Mobutu vlug gerust:

kennedy -

i’m sorry for the excitement
i have settled eve­ry­thing with the company and all is ok

i’m flying over to amsterdam this thursday to pick up the consignment

i’ll keep you informed

warmest gree­tings

yuri -

ps do you like movies? my favorite movie of all time is tootsie!

De dol­lar­tekens in Kenny’s ogen nemen onder­tussen wel­licht epische pro­porties aan. Toch wil hij nog meer con­fi­dence:

Thanks for your email, I will be glad if you could really do as you pro­mised. But for more con­fi­dence in you I would like to speak with you on the phone. so send me your contact mobile phone number in your next email.
Thank you.
Kennedy

Ongeveer tege­lij­kertijd krijg ik ook Alwina’s nummer. Hmm. Wie weet zit er wel een afspraakje in…

Dear Mr.Yuri,
We advise that you call this telephone number when you arrive so that we
can arrange for a meeting with you in our office.The number to call is
+31–616 760 649 and you will be able to speak with Mr.Morris on how you
can be able to be brought to the office.We will be expecting to hear from
you.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:P.T.S

Ik heb geen zin om te bellen (ik haat tele­fo­neren), dus besluit ik een tricky stunt uit te halen. Ik trommel Miranda – ad interim zus Maanzand – op om het avontuur nog wat aan te dikken. Ze schrijft het volgende:

Hello,

my name is Miranda, sister of Yuri Maanzand.
I am writing you because Yuri cannot reply to any emails.
Unfor­tunatly, he had a stroke because of com­pli­ca­tions after a severe accident a while ago.
He has to remain in hos­pital for several days,
but has asked me to check his email.

He told me about how he was helping you and how there was a large sum of money involved.
I don’t exactly know what has to be done, but maybe I can be of some assistance?

Just let me know…

Gree­tings,
Miranda

Zoals te ver­wachten valt, hoor ik lange tijd niets meer van Kennedy of Alwina. Na een stilte van een dikke week neem ik zelf weer contact op:

dear kennedy -

i am so sorry for my delay in writing
but life does not always go as you want it to go

i had a severe stroke about two weeks ago,
which made me inca­pable of per­forming my daytime tasks
i had to stay in the hos­pital for ten days
i am slowly reco­vering now and i am working from my house

i am so ter­ribly sorry that i couldn’t handle eve­ry­thing with the company as planned
i hope you and your mum are all­right? are you still in the refugee-camp? i hope they’re tre­ating you all­right and that you get a decent daily meal over there

i’m begging you, please, if i still can help you,
let me know what i should do
if necessary, i shall contact the company again and make all the arrangements

just let me know,
and i will make it my first priority

with sin­cerest apologies,

yuri -

Als ik een afri­kaans gangster was, ik had deze ellen­lange cor­res­pon­dentie met een vlaming die niet weet wat ie wil allang opge­geven. Maar blijkbaar is er in Kenny’s hart toch een spe­ciaal plaatsje voor mij gere­ser­veerd. En dat terwijl zijn arme mama dieing is…

Dear Yuri,
Accept my sym­pathy over your illness, I was really praying over it, but thank God you are healed again. But what sur­prise me most was after the trust we vected on you to handle this fund on my family behalf, somebody else wrote me to represent you. which I felt dis­ap­pointed about, because it was a thing that has to be kept between you and my family alone.
Now I am not still con­vinced that you have really made up your mind to help us out. If so this issue needs urgency to have it finished. I can no longer wait to see my mum dieing here while we have this amount lying some­where. pls make up your mind on what you intend to do and let me know.
Thank you
Kennedy

Ik slijm wederom een eind in de goede richting:

kennedy -

i am sorry for all the inconveniences
the person that wrote to you on my behalf was my sister,
whom i trust totally

however, if you feel uncom­for­table with it,
i will not involve her again in any way with this matter

you must abso­lutely trust me that i wish to help you
i cannot bare the thought of your mum dieing over there

but you must under­stand also my position
after all, it is not easy to entrust someone in the netherlands
that i have never seen before with my money…

but since you are very sincere to me
and because the worries i have for you and your family
i will not hesitate to help you

if needed, i can travel to the nether­lands next week
if you want, i can contact the company again

your wish is my command,
sincerely

yuri -

Natuurlijk ben ik nog steeds geenszins van plan om effectief op reis te gaan, laat dat dui­delijk wezen.
In de vol­gende brief van Kennedy zegt hij me trouwens voor het eerst om in Nederland zeker om een fac­tureke te vragen. Grmpf.

Dear Yuri,
I accept your apology. as you have pro­mised to have things finished on our behalf on time. pls I will be most gra­teful if this could be done. It will be good if you could travel to make the claim phy­si­cally in nether­lands so that you can see that myself and my mum can not tell lies. but in case you can not make it, belive in what I have told you and rest your hope in the trust you have on us and contact the company to make the payment for the delivery to be done in the ear­liest time.
pls do obtain receipt of the payment for our record.
Thank you God bless you. regards from my mum.
Kennedy

En na de zoveelste radio­stilte mijnentwege:

Dear Yuri,
I never heard from you again. pls let me know if you have con­tacted the company and there is a reso­lution for the delivery to be made. I promise wha­tever you spend must be paid back in addition to the com­pen­sation my mum has agree to give you out of the fund, pls I am pleading, have sym­pathy on me and my mum.
Thanks
Kennedy

Ein­delijk neem ik dan maar weer eens contact op met de Neder­landse afdeling van Mobutu Cri­minal Rip-off Ser­vices. Ik beloof nog maar eens zeker naar Amsterdam af te zakken.

Mrs -

i am sorry it has been so long
com­pli­ca­tions on my side

i will be visiting Amsterdam next week for business
(pro­bably thursday)

i’ll call you when i arrive
hope­fully we can arrange a meeting then

sin­cerely,

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

In eerste instantie hoor ik weer lange tijd niets, en net als ik begin te denken dat ik heel de zaak ver­kloot heb, krijg ik het vol­gende wan­hopige bericht uit Afrika. Mét een wel heel bij­zonder attachment…

Dear Yuri,
This issue has taken so long that I do not really feel you have the mind to help us. But if you are really a child of God, do not mistake this issue with wha­tever somebody else told or wrote you. have a clean mind and help me and my mum, we are not happy here, I have attached in this email my mum’s picture my late dad, and my inter­na­tional paasport. belkow is our present address. I hope with this you do not have any further excuse to give?
SAINT ANDREW MISSIONARY HOME,
KM115 BADAGRY EXPRESS WAY,
SAINT THERESA AVE,
BORDER TOWN
BADAGRY WEST AFRICA

I wait to hear from you. pls our pic­tures must be kept safely.
Thank you.
Kennedy

Waga­gagahahaaa. Of course i am really a child of God. Not.
De bij­ge­voegde foto’s van Kennedy’s ouders en zijn paasport zijn te mooi voor woorden. Alsof er een lachband wordt bij­ge­leverd, rol ik drie dagen en nachten over de grond van het lachen. Alhier:

Het wordt nu echt tijd om de zaak af te han­delen. Tussen de eerste email die ik ontving en de nu vol­gende liggen bijna vier maanden. Het doet me plezier dat ik een bende ama­teu­ris­tische ban­dieten zo lang in het ootje heb kunnen nemen.

Ik stuur voor de tweede keer mijn vlucht­ge­gevens door naar The Company:

Mrs -

as i men­tioned before,
i will be in Amsterdam tomorrow (thursday feb 3d)
con­cerning the mobutu-case

i’ll arrive at 12:45 at Amsterdam Schiphol
my flight number is CO9788

it would be nice if you could send someone to come and pick me up
i shall wait at the airport for someone with a sign with my name on it

i will have on me the sum of 20,000 euros
that should be enough to cover all the taxes
and to com­pensate you for my transport from and to the airport

looking forward doing business with you,
i will hope­fully see you tomorrow

also i would like to apo­logize again
for all the delay

all things will be settled soon

thank you

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Onder­tussen bedank ik Kenny voor zijn photoshop-talenten, en – ik ben onder­tussen een gedi­plo­meerd slijmjurk – prijs even tus­sendoor de schoonheid van zijn behangpapier…

dear kennedy -

thank you for your com­forting pictures
i will be tra­veling to amsterdam tomorrow to settle everything
i am really a child of god with a clean mind

your mum looks beautiful
i hope she’s doing fine

i also like the wall­paper in the back!
where is this picture taken? it’s a beau­tiful place!

i will let you know soon about the meeting with the company

gree­tings

yuri -

Van Alwina krijg ik gede­tail­leerde instructies die ik dien uit te voeren bij mijn komst naar Nederland:

Dear Mr.Yuri,
We have received several of your emails in the past time and you promised
to arrive sometime ago without meeting up and we got an email from your
sister which we did not respond back.Please when you arrive
Amsterdam,check into an hotel and we shall detail our pro­tocol officer to
pick you from the hotel to the office for the signing of the final release
order document and also the payment of the required charges before the
con­signment can be released to you.Please note that we shall need you to
come along with you to our office the charges in cash as we do not accept
any other mode of payment except cash.Kindly call this telephone number
when you have finally booked into the hotel +31–629282009 when you are
calling with your Belgium phone but when dialing with a Holland
number,please dial 0629282009.Thank you for your anti­ci­pated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Alwina Van Dirk(Mrs)

For:Jack Morris

Het ver­schil tussen een België telefoon en een Holland nummer begrijp ik niet zo goed, maar laat ik daar maar geen woorden aan vuil maken. Mobutti-Frutti spoort me onder­tussen nog­maals aan tot spoed, en om hem zeker te con­tac­teren wanneer ik terugkeer naar mijn base:

Dear Yuri,
God will bless you if you could really do this for the sake of my mum, so that he will be healed at last. be rest assured that all I have told you is the truth. and thank God you will see it phy­si­cally. imme­di­ately you are back to your base with the fund, then you will let me know so that I can come over with my mum. then we can have enough fund to pay for her bills and air tickets.
Thank you very much God bless you. I hope to hear from you before your departure. those pic­tures were taken when we were still leaving in our family home country before the poli­tical war started.
Kennedy

Haha. Still leaving in our family home country… Dat is het tegen­over­ge­stelde van Not staying anymore in our unfa­mi­liair strange country. Of zoiets.

Het is tijd om de zaken af te han­delen. Onder­tussen moet het die regen­dan­sende schle­mielen toch stilaan beginnen te dagen dat er met mij niet te onder­han­delen valt. Laat ik dus maar vlug die hotel­kamer boeken:

Mrs -

i booked a room at the Lloyd Hotel
i will call you when i get there

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

Dit is de laatste mail – snif – die ik van Kennedy ontvang:

Dear Yuri,
I waited to hear from you yes­terday to know if you have made the claim from the office in holland. please let me know because my mum was worried because we need to know how we could leave here to meet you in your country, and our leaving here depends on the fund, meaning you will send us some money for the air ticket and bta from the fund.
Thanks
Kennedy

Ik van mijn kant stuur een com­pleet idiote mail naar lieve Alwina. Als ze nu nog niet door­heeft dat ik haar voor de gek hou, mag ze op haar kop gaan staan.

mrs -

i wanted to thank you for the co-operation
i’m glad eve­ry­thing went well in holland
your people were very kind to me

i must say i was a little worried in advance,
but in the end eve­ry­thing turned out fine

i have con­tacted the mobutu-family and will arrange a meeting
so i can hand the fund to them

thank you

Yuri Maanzand -
Regional Manager
W.U.S.S.Y Indu­stries, Brussels

En last but not least, breng ik ook meneer Mobutu op de hoogte van mijn ware beweeg­re­denen. Het mag van­zelve spreken dat ik hierna niets meer hoor van mijn trouwe pen­ne­vriend. En dat is wel­licht maar goed ook. Ik moet eerlijk toe­geven dat op den duur de lol er een beetje vanaf was. Alhoewel ik toch enigszins hoop dat ik – al was het maar voor even – een zielige slecht engels spre­kende gangster flink op de heupen heb gewerkt. May the lord our creator bless him. Amen.

dear kennedy -

is your mum still worried?
well so should she, cause her son is not quite the smartest

last friday i had a meeting in holland with the company
they handed me the fund as soon as i paid all the taxes

which was nice

i am now the richest man in town, for which i truly thank you

the first thing i did in holland, was joining an under­ground satanic church
the satanic priest advised me to keep the money myself and to tell them mobutu-suckers to go knock on their chin

so here it is, dear kennedy:
i’m thankful for our fine cor­res­on­dence and for all your kind prayers
but in the end, i like to do what the dark lord himself would have done, and that is to be as ego­centric as pos­sible and forget about eve­ryone else
that’s why i am keeping your money myself and you and your family can – indeed – go knock on your chins
you can do it simul­ta­neously if you like

i sure hope you are not too much pissed off now
after all, as your mum told me in one of her emails:

i truly am part of the family

most sin­cerely,
yuri -